My holidays have started. I cannot believe it has been a full year. I remember walking into the university for the first time wondering if I am up to the challenge I was setting myself up for. It was a very exciting yet difficult time. Exciting because I finally had the opportunity to enroll into a university of my dreams, yet difficult because I was dealing with complications that had come to my life that neither I nor anyone else closest to me, as far as I know, ever thought I would have to face. So the university turned out to be both a test and an escape from overwhelming complexities at that point in my life. With God’s help I managed to pass all my exams – some more than others – giving more fervor for me and my sponsoring family to carry on. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to further my education. It had been a long time coming. It is also a bit of a pleasant shock that I pulled through such adversities.
It also came to me how we take our present circumstances for granted – our locations, associations and situations, relationships and the like. I realized for instance, funny enough, that I had been a guest years ago to the building I currently reside in as a student. I hesitated at first moving in this year for that reason, and then talked myself persuasively into it. Back then I was totally oblivious to what fate had waiting for me. I was in an adolescent type of rebellious stage in my life, in a form of euphoria that is brought about by attraction, made more exhilarating by inhibitions such as distance and meager finances. Maybe a slight semblance to the lure of the forbidden fruit…? For me, challenges faced together, the courage to take them on, the process and victory of solving them together – as long as not brought about by the other … mostly – bring about an adrenaline rush that is catalytic to budding romance. I guess it registers that together we can take on the world, that we are an undisputed kin to Bonnie and Clyde, and that we can merge our hearts, minds and spirits into one. It is as fantastic as a movie scene yet fits as well as the last piece to my wooed psych’s puzzle. Picture a couple walking on red arid paths, in dusty boots, for miles, eyes on each other, amidst talk and laughter, not opting for any vehicle transportation – maybe even avoiding a route that is plagued with curious eyes of familiar onlookers – just so they can savor private moments together for longer. You capture an essence of my notion of romantic connection. I’m not sure what causes the other though – a case of the chicken and the egg.
The strangest thing about these moments, I realized, is my failure to appreciate my environment or lack in discernment. Later on this year, when I came to live in the building while dealing with the torments brought about by what life had dealt me, I could not help but come to an epiphany that I should be more appreciative of my surroundings with every step I take, not to be so lost in a narrowly focused (maybe even self-centered) world and to allow for a little more thought on the possibilities that tomorrow may hold, both the sweet and sour. What if events turn out different? Or, is this all that life should be? Better yet, am I doing the thing that I am supposed to do right now? Am I doing right? Could a little pessimism be helpful???
My heart breaks for connections that cannot grow much. One can only play denial for so long, and so we must resolve such issues once and for all. Distance is one way to go about it.
And so I am sort of licking bittersweet wounds. Such are the wallows of my heart tonight. But I am optimistic I will get by.
What was my point again? Yea. What a year!